Questions

Planning should be my strong side. Having been in charge of a news program where every second counts I thought I was so meticulous and I remember we did have more than one perfect "tener" in the days (A perfect 10 minutes 00 seconds broadcast). It was then, and now its now, and things go easily out of your control. That's life, literally I guess.

I am going to the hospital later today to get the cerclage removed - 3 days ahead of time. all because of the cholestasis. Seems Im not responding to the medication and the numbers are going up. I am prepared, at least we are prepared technically for the baby to come soon there afterwards. Mentally, I dont know. It seems that although it has only been a year since my last birth experience (that went so well and was only 5 hours) I cannot avoid dreading what comes next. Or maybe its just the uncertainty. Will labor start shortly after the stitch is removed? (Which can be expected since I was already open when I got the stich 18 weeks ago but like so many other things, you can never know. who knows, maybe i've closed up?) When pregnant with Mr. F I got the stitch removed but still had to be induced a week later since labour did not happen spontanously (regardless of all my efforts: spicy foods, glass of red wine, walking up and down stairs amongst other things).

Will the baby be strong and healthy, if it is made to come so much earlier? (more than 3 weeks before the due date) Sometimes I wonder if one of the reasons it wasn't possible to breastfeed mr. F was perhaps because he was born in week 38.

Is the baby better off coming out than staying in the stomach while I continue taking drugs that have not been clinically approved on pregnant women? (which kind of is impossible since its unethical to do testing on unborn children)

Is it healthy to ask yourself all these question when actually I (and we) should be happy to have come as long as we have? If I would have been told this 18 weeks ago I would have been ecxtatic, but being a perfectionist (in some things at least) I always want to push a little bit further... test those limits ... get to the finish line. When actually week 36 + 4 or more days should be a good end game. and who knows maybe nothing will happen and they will have to induce again in a week's time. 

And strangely this question hunts me, will it hurt? I dont get why I am so afraid of the pain. Its not like its something completely unknown to me, I know this already, I did fine last time. So why am I building up this fear in my head? its strange... but I guess its part of the process... and then at least I know I will have the hubby to yell at. Afterall, he is responsible for me being in this state, is he not? ;)

How do all these women do this?Lets not forget that in a normal pregnancy labour is everything but planned, it comes whenever. you dont have an appointment at the hospital like I do. So I guess I am more in control than most.

Like my grandma says, every pregnancy is different and every child is unique. And when this little fellow has hopefully arrived safely with all 10 fingers and toes, we'll have to start the namegame all over again. And now it not only has to match all those surnames and be pronouncable in French, Danish and Icelandic, it also has to make sense next to its big brother. Are we perhaps going to go for Mr. F junior?? 

To be continued...